The importance of setting boundaries

Michelle Elman shares her expertise of establishing healthy boundaries and living an easier life as a result

CREDIT: This is an edited version of an article that originally appeared on Happiful

“Boundaries are how we teach people how to treat us. They are what is and isn’t acceptable,” life coach and author Michelle Elman explains. “They are the line between who we are and who the world wants us to be.”

Michelle’s definition of what boundaries are is a great, and much-needed, reminder. You may think that you have good boundaries but, when you dig deep into the subject, as she has done for her book The Joy of Being Selfish and the upcoming The Selfish Romantic, you soon realise that everyone’s boundaries require clear communication from the outset as well as regular appraisal and maintenance.

If appraising and asserting your boundaries sounds like a lot of hard – and possibly uncomfortable – work, then take a listen to Michelle’s episode of I am. I have. The beauty and benefits of healthy boundaries will become clear within just 30 minutes.

One of the greatest upsides, Michelle asserts, has to be the resulting positive relationship with yourself, something she has first-hand experience of. “When you have boundaries, not only do you have more time and energy to look after yourself, but I actually think you have a stronger sense of identity,” she shares. “It creates so much space in your brain and, ultimately, I think it makes your life easier,” she continues, beaming. “That’s what boundaries are there for.”

Three things to remember about boundaries from Michelle

• If you’ve not set a boundary in the first place, people can’t know what it is. If you’ve not reinforced the boundary, you’ve never given someone the chance to change their behaviour – and you can’t just cut someone out without any warning or communication. I’ve heard people say that ‘ghosting’ is a boundary, but it’s not. You wouldn’t want to be treated like that, so why do it to other people?
• Boundary-setting is the antidote to being a people-pleaser; ultimately, there’s no way to be one of those and have good boundaries. Being a people-pleaser means ignoring your own discomfort, and placing everyone else’s needs above yours. So, in order to put yourself higher on the priority list, someone has to come lower.
• When you have good boundaries, you also give other people permission to have good boundaries with you.